Melodies of Life
Isn’t it funny?

Isn’t it how I’m the one who wanted to change the world, and yet… I’m the one the world has changed.

Well isn’t that just intriguing.

Lived, Learned, Loved, Lost

Right or wrong. Good or bad.

I don’t want to lose you.

The only thing I can do is sit back and see if you walk away.

The Composer

Music isn’t about the composer. Music is about you and how you feel when you listen to it. How you interpret it.

The best compositions I’ve ever written weren’t composed on a piece of paper. They were composed on my heart and from my heart.

"A piece of paper and the ink placed upon it can’t even come close to expressing what my heart has to express when I compose music. All I can do is read a book of musical expression definitions and pray to God one of them has the same definition for what my heart is feeling."

"What is the message you want to get across to listeners observing your music?"

"I want you to think of my music kind of like you would read the Bible (hang in there with me). You’re going to look at a certain part of the music, and the thought process will create a hypothesis of interpretation."

She’s everything

Things have happened. Time has past. A lot of tempers have flied.

Gabby… How have you done this? How have you stood by me regardless of all that I have gone through. More than ever I have realized how unrealistically in love with me you must be. And for that. I’ve fallen in love with you. I couldn’t ask for anything better right now. I’m sorry for the things that I’ve put you through. These things should have never been an issue. Though I’m away, and scared, the only reason I’m scared is because I haven’t been what you need.

That changes now.

I love you. I can’t wait to tell you. Those plans I told you I was doing, that’s what I’m doing. I can’t wait to hear those words. I know you can’t wait either. You’ll hear them from my mouth so you can say them from yours. You’re everything. You’ve done it all. I’m so thankful. SO thankful for popping up in my life. I just hope I’m not too late and put you through too much stuff to say what I have to say to you. I hope you haven’t fallen out of love with me. I’m scared that I have put you through way too much.

I love you Gabby. I can’t wait to see what the future brings.

Wait for it… wait for it!!!

Yep… here it comes.

The crying.

Score ^_^

I promise.

Don’t worry. Because I mean this with everything in me.

This will be the death of me.

I feel it.

And I know it.

The Day

One day you will read this… it won’t be me showing you, I’m sure. But for some reason I honestly think you’ll find it on your own. Don’t know why. But I am writing on this day for a reason. Maybe when you see this, you can look down and remember this date, and you’ll know why.

Today is the day you no longer have to fake a smile.

He will make you smile. He will do all for you that I was unable to… and in the end… you will love him. I’m so so happy that you will now have a reason to smile, even though I’m no longer it. You’ll look back and remember that I was nothing more than something to frown about. I was the one that turned your good days into bad days. I upset you. I hurt you. Killed you. Tore you to pieces… and in the end for me, will never be able to make you smile again. As I said… I will happily be the bad guy and hated, just as long as you’re happy again. I’ll take any amount of pain for me to withstand before death, and even to that point, just as long as you’re okay and happy. You have deserved a reason to smile ever since the day you no longer were capable of smiling. Today is the beginning and I hope with everything in me, you will never have a reason to frown and be upset ever again. I love you. As I have said face to face… there are things you will never know simply because I will never let you. That’s a burden I’m going to have to bare. Take care of yourself. And even if you don’t, I know he’ll be there to do it for you when you can’t. He will hold your hand. He will kiss you. One day make love to you, like you always wanted and needed. Congratulations. You deserve this, I promise. Goodbye.

Today begins a day when your smile is no longer taken away
Taken from your hands and pried straight from your face
I thought I could do anything To take your pain away
But when it became that I was the one who pumped it straight through your veins

It’s time to turn, go on and work for a life that’s without me
You’ll no longer hurt, you’ll feel so much better you will see
That I couldn’t give, the one thing you wished, I wasn’t worth the pain, so live
Live without hurt, live without pain, so live without me.

"You’re the reason that I’m home. Don’t think this will be easy saying that you love me."


I Am The Bad Guy

I don’t have this tumblr for anyone to read. This is not for someone to look at and go “Wow… that dude’s pathetic… he needs to get the fuck over it.” This is not for you. This is for me. I don’t plan on anyone finding this or even reading this for that matter. It’s just for me to write. If you read this… don’t follow me. Don’t contact me. Don’t give me advice, and DO NOT tell me things will get better. I know all of the above. I don’t need it nor want it. All I want is to write somewhere where no one “listens” or pretends to listen.

I look at that picture below and I really start to think. Everyone I see says “How in the world are you SO happy all the time? It’s insane! You brighten my day because you are the one person I know I’ll see and will be smiling.”

That’s hilarious to me. I guess I can kind of see where they are coming from. I love to smile, laugh, and make other people do the same. But I’ve found that because of that, they’re oblivious to the fact that sometimes… I just don’t.

I had a lot to type pertaining to all of that, but I’m not going to anymore. It doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is I am a murderer…

I’ve killed her. I’ve killed her smile, her happiness, her eyes, her heart, and worst of all… her spirit. The things I instilled in her in the first place, to acknowledge and know is there, is dead because of me. And yet I still hear “I don’t blame you… it’s not your fault.”

It is my fault. All of it. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate who I have become. I hate what I’m doing to you. You’re my best friend. I love you. I’ve said that so much that it no longer has an effect. But the fact of that is I love you more than anything in this world. I know what I did to you.

I did this to you because you did this to me. I am what you have made me become. It’s absolutely HILARIOUS to the fact that after we broke up, you moved on. Not actually, I understand, but still to another guy. I was here waiting the ENTIRE time for you to open your eyes and see me. You told me you didn’t love me like that anymore. You fell out of love with me every time I walked out that door. I took EVERYTHING that I knew, and still gave you the benefit of the doubt. You were my everything… my world… my heart… and my soul. YOU were the one who would not give ME one.single.chance. A chance to prove the extent of my love for you. You said “I have to do this for myself…” I gave you chances. You would leave me… and I would let you come back EVERY time. I took you in. Held you just as I had held you before. With my love pouring out onto you. And I got no chance. None. That was it.  I am the bad guy. I let a game get in the way. I changed. I was the one who made all of the mistakes that led to our break up. That was me.

I fought for you. To prove that I AM that man you love. Six months later I start seeing someone else. You hate her. Of course. I should have seen that coming whether you knew her or not. I fucked her. I fucked up. I am the bad guy. You told me that you lost ALL that kind of love you had in you for me when I told you that I had fucked her. I am the bad guy.

A month after that… you tried, I tried, she tried to make it all work. It wouldn’t. It didn’t. We should have known. I should have known. I am the bad guy. I saw you falling for someone else. It was my turn to let our past go, and move on and know that I could fall for someone else too. I had no choice. But still… I am the bad guy.

I’m leaving. Time for school to start and I transferred to a different town. You tell me you wanted me back all along. I was killing you by being with someone you hated. I didn’t leave her when I had the chance. I didn’t do what maybe I should have done to prevent you from hurting. Again. I am the bad guy. You fought to get me back, but I couldn’t come back. I wouldn’t come back right now. Not after the pain and heartache and place of my own death you brought upon me. To hear people talk of how I am making such a mistake. How I am fucking up EVERYTHING with you.

YOU. FUCKING. LEFT. ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!! You wanted the break up. You wanted to leave. You didn’t want me.

But I am the bad guy.

You created me. You created who I am. I don’t want you to ever hurt again. I never wanted you to hurt in the first place.

I love you. You will never understand. I know I will never understand either.

But that goes along with being the bad guy.

Look at this picture. I look so happy, don’t I? It’s really funny how looks can be insanely deceiving.

Look at this picture. I look so happy, don’t I? It’s really funny how looks can be insanely deceiving.